So i’m almost hitting the nine month mark into mommy hood and its been such a bitter sweet experience. I would say 99% sweet and 1% bitter, but who is counting the bitter part right?
I remember sitting on my bowl and telling myself that its just been two days, whats two days (LATE) after you’ve had the flu for a few days, nah, its not going to be positive. But then i do it, i pee on a stick and blink a few times when the stick reads in clear, black and bold writing, pregnant 3-4 weeks. And then I remember looking at it for about 34 more times before it finally all sinks in, holy mother of mothers, I am going to become a mom!!!
Say what? Come again? Those were hubbies words. And me, well I just stood there with a stick i just peed on, glued inside the palm of my hand waiting to see what his reaction would be, and it was definitely a bitter sweet one.
Then I placed my hand on my belly and everything changed, because thats when I met you.
You started off as a little something which grew into every possible fruit size and then when my belly started to pop, all I ever wanted to do was caress my belly as a sign that mommy knew you were there and that you were safe and better then okay.
Nine months is what it takes to carry a baby and maybe for some, longer. But its nine months of- how should I put this, itchy skin, stretch marks, (well for some of us unlucky ladies that is) and swollen and perfectly full boobs (but that I wont complain about because I finally had a nice pair that made me look older then a teenage girl)…laugh out loud.
During the nine months, we wake up everyday and remind ourselves not to forget our vitamins and tell our crazy hormones that today will be a better day and we won’t puke our food out or suddenly pass gas without any realization. And then theres the skinny jeans issue which have suddenly become too skinny to be skinny jeans and we fight the urge to wear spandex because we refuse to go up a size, no matter how silly we look in our non maternity skinny jeans.
We stuff our face because our sudden cravings of pickles with chips or ice-cream at nine in the morning kick in and then we step on the scale and freak the heck out because we’ve just put on more weight, but it was just one burger? Well yeah, its a burger plus a baby, right? Right!
Then we say, you know what, its going to be super healthy food from now on and all is well until your next doctors visit and guess what, you’ve put on more weight. So you sit and think about what it was that you ate that could be the result of this sudden weight gain and then the doctor says, mommy dear, its not the food, its the baby.
Right, of course, hello!! Why am I beating myself up over this, I am carrying another human being inside of me. And then I touch my belly look down and I smile. And then after five long seconds, I stop smiling and think, holy shit, how am I going to push a living and breathing baby out of me? And then I almost faint and the doctor assures me what I am feeling is completely normal and I start to breathe again.
Then I remind myself, no more sex, thats its, no more freaking sex!!
So after being poked and weighed I start to feel you move, in fact I think you may have kicked rib number three a few times and darn that freaking hurt but its okay, because its a sign that you’re there, healthy and alive and kicking away.
Now we’re hitting trimester number three and I begin your countdown, and then its crunch time and now i start to panic because i am back at thinking about how i will find the strength to push you out of my vajayjay without ripping myself in half, and then the panic builds and i can’t sleep anymore because i have nightmares of all the possible things that can go wrong and i may have even dreamt that you were an alien with green and purple skin.
But its okay, because you’re inside of me and soon you’ll be outside of me and damn it, i’m still panicking about the birth process, how the heck will i do it?
So i call my mom and i am terrified. Tears start rolling down my cheeks and she calms me down by telling me the words that will forever be dear to my heart. You are not and have not and will not be the only woman to do this. We are made to have babies and you CAN do this. (Nine months later its all nice and dandy but at that moment, its kind of not).
So now, i’ve started wearing my pads again, so much for escaping them during pregnancy. And yeah, we all know why, i sneeze, i pee. I cough, i pee, i laugh and well yeah, i pee…always a little but enough to say, ugh not again. Its a sexier way of having to wear depends no? Ya, laugh out loud, NOT!
I’m weeks away and maybe even days from meeting you, but who knows right, you’re the big little boss now and you decide when you want to come out and say hey mom, hey pops, i’m here and i am ready to take over the rest of your lives. And then i think oh crap, i STILL have to push this baby out and HERE WE GO AGAIN, and more panic rolls in.
Hmm, i wake up during the night and i have to pee and then maybe even poop except i can’t but i feel like i really have to and then i remember, oh wait, if you feel like you have to poop but don’, that could be a contraction, so i wait. and nothing happens and so I wait some more and then i go back to the washroom and see this stuff, its not fun stuff but i hear its your plug, you know, to unblock you once the labour process begins. Okay don’t panic, just wake up hubby and tell him that there is a chance that i’m having the baby. And guess what, I FREAKING AM!
9 months later….we can skip the details of what having a baby is really like, the best part was seeing you once i swore every bad word in the book and pushed for hours on end and ended up having you by cesarian. But thats all good now because my scar doesn’t look like a zigzag pattern, its a straight cut, longer then I’d like but i love it and I now call it my love pocket.
So here we are, a few months away from your first birthday, one whole freaking year has almost passed and what can i say, I love you to pieces and to the moon and back. I love how being a mother has made me a better and stronger person. You have taught me about unconditional love, selfless love and the ability to love no matter what. I close my eyes and dream about you and wonder who you’ll become years from now and then when you’re awake i try to find the pause button so i can stop time and have you as my baby forever. I try and rock all twenty pounds of you no matter how heavy you are and kiss every inch of you even though now it takes a little longer, but thats okay, i really enjoy reaching down to your toes and kissing those cute little things.
I hold you close when you fall asleep in my arms and shout with joy when you learn something new, i won’t lie, watching you pick up that puff for the first time and eating it all by yourself made me so emotional i almost cried, okay i did, sue me? I am a mom also known as a big ball of emotional mess.
I now watch you move by yourself and babble in a language that only you can understand but i stand and watch, amazed at how awesome you are.
So you can all say that i may be a big ball of emotions or just an emotional mess, but i prefer to be called mommy, because to you, i will forever only want to be that.
ps. In 16 years, we’ll have to talk but for now, i’ll just listen…… Oh and about that 1% bitter sweet part, ya it’s having to watch your baby grow up but the rest, ALL SWEET!
It’s funny how just months ago, before my daughter was born or even before I knew I was pregnant, how different things were in my life. I often blogged about fashion and clothes and things that had no emotional attachment to me but rather about random things that just made me happy, just because. But today, being a mommy and a first time mom that is, my life has taken a turn into wonderland.
Many people see being a parent as another “must have” is ones life cycle, but for me, it’s more then just something on my list to check off, it’s something that I know that makes me feel complete.
Going to bed early and sleeping in seemed like a luxury for me but now I see waking up early and during the night as the luxury. Sure, we wake up to feed, change poopie diapers and soothe a crying baby and all in zombie mode but in the end, I see it as gaining extra time and hours with my baby. One day those extra hugs and cuddles will stop and you’ll wish for them especially on a shitty day, so I say, come on baby, wake up at 2am, I dare you cuz I got lots of love to give you!!
We wake up everyday to make sure that our little ones are fed, changed, bathed, taken care of and most importantly LOVED. And then once that’s done we have our man to take care of and god knows how hard it is to find time to wash our face imagine ‘being sexy’… Lol yeah it’s a laugh out loud matter but, we do it, yes even if it’s after a 2am feeding.
Then we have our ‘wifely duties’ that we can’t abandon, the house, cooking, laundry, groceries, doctors appointments and the list goes on.
And yet… We still do it, and why? BECAUSE DAMN IT, WE JUST CAN!
So now it’s 4 pm and I still have yet to wash my face, change out of my sleep wear, brush my teeth and I can’t remember if I’ve peed since this morning but hey, 4pm is better then never. Right? Right.
So motherhood to me is not about being tired and dirty and sweaty, what it really is, is being the person who holds the family together, makes sure our babies are healthy and safe, we never put ourselves first because we want to make sure that our family is happy and we just don’t give up.
Being a mother is the most amazing, raw and crazy experience to live but one that I would never trade.
So I say to you moms, whether we are smelly or sweaty or have last nights salad in our teeth, you are the reason why your baby wakes up smiling and your man goes to bed or wakes up satisfied. It’s what do we best and we never say, fuck, what about me? Well at least out loud we don’t. Lol
Never underestimate the power of a mom, MASTERS OF MULTITASKERS WE ARE!